"Hello?......Oh hey there.......Umm... I'm in handcuffs right now.... can I call you back?" 

Yeah.  I guess I probably should have given my caller a little more context.  They were a little alarmed.  No, I wasn't re-enacting my favorite scenes out of Fifty Shades of Grey (Christian probably wouldn't have let me answer the phone anyway) but instead I was up to mischief in Russian Hill.  As you know from my previous blog, I was supposed to have gone on a Champagne Cruise in the morning, leaving from Fisherman's Wharf at 10am.  But, I didn't feel great when i'd woken up so, after a fairly low-key morning instead watching the Olympics, found myself at a loose end for the rest of the day.  I originally thought about going to see the Wave Organ, a cool man-made sculpture in the Marina district that plays a tune at high tide but instead, i logged onto Groupon to see if there were any cool deals on offer.  BINGO!  A lock picking lesson at the International Spy Shop it was then!  I'd seen this offered previously and had mentally logged it for a rainy day - it included an hour's locking picking lesson, a complete set of lock picking tools and a How To Manual.   But today was obviously the day, so about an hour before the class was due to start, I saddled up my steel pony, wedged my cycling helmet onto my bouffant hair and set out for my 5pm appointment.  

Bloody hell.  Its been a while since i've been on my bike up in the craziness that is Pier 39 - it was utter madness.  The ride from my place to the Ferry Building along the Embarcadero was totally fine - so far, so normal but - just past the chocolate factory, it all started to get a bit more sketchy with the bike lanes and the trolley buses, so I came off the roads and was forced to slog my way through the thronging tourist masses of Fisherman's Wharf instead.  Tourist masses that were even more swelled due to the MASSIVE cruise boat that was in dock.  Holy shit, it was P  A  I  N  F  U  L.   And stressful.  Trying to navigate your way through a packed pavement and not take anyone's shins or legs out with your pedals, whilst still trying to move forward.  Sheesh.  I did take to the road again a couple of times but it felt pretty dodgy, to be honest - lots of d-bags driving who were obviously either over-compensating for something or just had zero road awareness skills.  By the time I finally reached my destination, I was more than in need of an over-priced, under serviced flourescent frozen strawberry margharita.  (side note - i dont know why i keep going back to this place.  the service is invariably slow, the drinks average at best so i always seem to end up sitting on their patio, getting increasingly anxious cos they are taking ages to bring the check and simultaneously annoyed that i keep giving them my business and that they would never get away with such crappy service in NYC!).  Anyway, after a drink to steady my hand, it was time to head to the International Spy Shop where my lock picking lesson was scheduled and time to learn criminal mastermindy ways.  

The lesson was scheduled to last for an hour and i wasnt sure what to expect but, in the end, it was just me and this guy called Eduardo who was teaching me the finer skills of lock picking.  He was hilarious and somewhat preoccupied by the fact he was going out on a big night of drinking that night, so was very interested in my tips and hints for how not to get completely wasted and have a big fat hangover the next morning.  You can imagine how that (short) conversation went.  So, to business.  

Before we got down to the nuts and bolts of it all, first I was introduced to the tools of the trade.  In my little lock picking tool box, I had 5 instruments - a basic rake, a ball rake, a diamond rake, a feeler pick and  a tension wrench.

Here's your basic guide to how to unpick a lock: the first step is to insert your tension wrench into the bottom of the keyway, turning in a clockwise direction.  With your tension wrench inserted into the keyway, you then insert the feeler pick to the back and gently lift up the rear two pins at the same time, turning your tension wrench, using very slight force.  Once the pins have met the shear line, the tension wrench will spin around and the lock will open.  Its actually a pretty simple theory and I was amazed how simple the tools were that enabled you to do this, but it was harder to do than to describe, so it took me a good 15 mins or so until I managed to unpick my very first lock!  The first set of locks we were picking were simple padlocks, ramping up in difficulty with increasing numbers of tumblers you had to get past.



I managed to unpick each lock at least once, so was very impressed with myself!  After the padlocks were the house locks - there were 5, each with increasing numbers of tumblers to pick.  You know, I wish I could tell you what the secret is to successfully unpicking locks is - i did manage to pick enough of them that it wasnt a fluke.  But really, it seemed as if a lot of random wiggling was involved, along with a strategic amount of tension placed on the tension wrench - and it just kinda happened.  Eduardo was actually pretty impressed with how quickly i managed to unlock some of the more complex locks - maybe I do have a second career after all if this advertising thing doesnt work out.

Anyway, after i failed to open House Lock number 4, it was time for the piece de resistance - the handcuffs!  Settle down, it was all very PG-rated  but these were the actual real handcuffs that the rozzers use when arresting people and I can testify that they are bloody uncomfortable!!  Eduardo worked up from one wrist cuffed, to both wrists in front to then both wrists in the back.  The ones where I was cuffed in the front were a complete doddle to get out of (its actually really easy to pick your way out of handcuffs) but cuffed from the back, a totally different story.  The first thing to try to do was to not drop your tension wrench.  Then you had to try and find the right entry point and push down then across.  Again, VERY easy from the front - completely impossible from behind, especially as the cuffs start really digging into your wrists.  So i tried for maybe a minute or two before throwing in the towel and asking to be released - long enough to receive a phone call and give my friend on the other end of the line a bit of a surprise!  

So, after an hour or so, my lesson was over and it was time to wend my way back through the madding crowds and head home, lock picking set in hand and a whole new learning experience to continue at home.  I decided not to try immediately my skills at picking my own door lock at home, lest I concern the neighbours, but I am curious to see just how good i could get at picking padlocks, so I have a couple old bike locks to try out.   Who knows, maybe one day I will get picked up by The Fuzz and my continuing commitment to Life Learning will pay dividends. Watch this space.....