Full Metal Gecko: 

For Queen and Country at the Great NorCal Tomato Battle of 2012

OK - so this one is random - even by my (very) relaxed standards.  Today's adventure was to head over to the lovely town of Pleasanton (its very pleasant there, apparently) for an afternoon of fragrant fruit flinging in none other than the 2012 NorCal Tomato Battle!   http://tomatobattle.com/info/  I'm not sure who entirely to blame for this one (I think it might have been Living Social) and it wasn't even a forfeit for the GL&LC, so guilty as charged m'lud.   I was again dragging Lori along with me to keep me company for this salsa insanity, so headed out to meet her in Walnut Creek first for lunch, before we headed over to the Pleasanton Fair Grounds for War.

I'm not sure quite how this happened but, somewhere along the way yesterday, it was somehow decided that I would be going into battle in Full Metal Gecko costume, accompanied by my trusty companion, the Potato of Destiny and Despair.  Since his outing on the Ducks last Sunday and his turn at the wheel, he'd been on my case to go out again (I think he just wants to go out and get smashed).  Anyway, who am I to deny the P of Double D, so I helped him sellotape his eyes, mouth, ears and nose into place so as to withstand the tomatoey onslaught later on, packed my gecko outfit and hopped into the car to drive over to meet Lori.  The Gecko outfit had been purchased for my first ever Halloween party at Sudler back in 2008 and, unfortunately, it didn't survive that initial outing unscathed, the big red wine splat down the front prompting it's renaming as Sloppy Gecko.  So this time, Sloppy Gecko was out for redemption (and yes, I really was sending a work email to a client when that was taken!).

The weather was absolutely BAKING - it's on days like these I realize how shitty the weather is in San Francisco compared to the rest of California and I can understand the whinging and moaning of folk who bitch about the SF fog and cold.  It had to be in the upper 80's - just the ticket for getting dressed up in a full gecko outfit.  But, the sky was blue and the sun was shining, I'd been singing along to my new Train CD in the car (coming soon in Part 2 of the Penguins and Pyjamas...) so life was good!!  There was (as usual) a bit of traffic near the Caldicott Tunnel, but other than that, it was a pretty smooth drive over to WC.  Before heading over to the Fairgrounds, we stopped for lunch in Danville first at this great place called Peets where I had a delicious Paleo-compliant tri-tips and avocado caeser salad, chased down with a couple of jumbo prawns with a delicious tingly sauce!  Yum yum!!  So, but about 1.15pm, it was time to make our way over and, as we drew up to the parking lot, we got our first glimpse of the fruity forum, our tomatoey battleground.  

I'm not sure quite how many thousands of pounds of tomatoes were there, but there were a fair few.  And they SMELLED!!  They weren't rotten per se but there were distinctly niffy and squishy and you knew it wasn't going to take long before those bad boys liquified into a soupy mush!  The arena of salsa was fenced off until it was time to go into battle, but - just by sheer luck - just a few of us were allowed in early to take pictures of the tomatoes, introduce ourselves to our fruity foes and try not to get too saucy.

When in Roma....

Somehow resisting the urge to dive in, head first...

Where Comic Relief red noses come to die....

We sat and people watched for a bit, which was FASCINATING (lots of peeps very sh*tfaced already) before it was time to get in my costume and join the amassing throngs for the costume contest! Our car park buddies, who were not sober, were already in their *ahem* costumes - I can't remember what their names were but they were both Brits and the guy in his white underpants called himself (for some unknown reason) Marky Mark.  So I - of course- asked him about his Funky Bunch which seemed like an appropriate question, given his attire.  He seemed to find that suitably amusing and tried to give me a hug to show his appreciation for my wit.  Not so fast, drunk boy.  This Ninja Gecko ain't no soft touch...Plus you'll squash my paws.

Our sh*tfaced car park buddies -
 Marky Mark and his funky bunch

So i finished getting changed into my full get-up and was, of course, instantly roastingly hot.  But, it was completely worth it as as we were walking back into the Battlefield, we could hear lots of people exclaiming "look, its the Geico Gecko!". I did, indeed, just for a few moments feel Like A Complete Rock Star.  Or something.  No, Rock Star.  That was it.  Yes.  Armed with the P of Double D, we were ready to smash some tomato ass!!

***Ninja Gecko***

Walk Like an Egyptian Gecko 

Before the main splattage started, there was a live DJ playing lots of angry-sounding music (to get us into the fighting spirit, maybe?) (yes, yes - as opposed to a dead DJ, I know) as well as a costume contest that seemed to go on for an infinity.  And beyond.  I know I got through the first round of audience "Yeys" or "Nays" but then I got bored and we wandered off towards the tomato pen(ne?) as it  was obvious that the crowd's heart was set on a fat dude in pair of Bavarian leather shorts winning the grand prize.  And I thought the Folsom Street Fair was last weekend.

Gettin' yer teats out for the lads...

The crowd's favorite - Will Ferrell was the special 

guest star in traditional Bavarian dress

Reservoir Dudes

Anyhoo, anticlimatic costume competition over, it was finally time to let battle commence!!  We all grouped up around the pen, strategizing where we would go and what our plans were until *POW!* the gates were open and people were off!!  Running headlong into a big pile of warm, stinky tomatoes! We followed in about a minute after the first people had entered into the Pit Of Pith and already the fruit was flying.  And this was where the P of Double D came into his own.  Rather than gather and lob tomatoes individually, prolonging my exposure on the battlefield, I instead scampered into one of the big piles and, like a Roma-rampant squirrel, quickly gathered as many tomatoes as the P of Double D would carry, before scooting back out to the fringes, out of the main battle zone, fully laden with mushy missiles.  Freakin' genius.  The P of Double D was, indeed, a Fully Loaded Potato Head.  

Concealed Weapon....

What wasn't quite so genius was being on the battlefield wearing a bright green gecko costume.  I may as well have painted a big red bulls-eye on the front!!  I managed to avoid quite a lot of the craziness through effective deployment of my tomato-scoopage strategy, however, when I heard the juiced up battle cry of "GET THE GECKO!" I knew I was in trouble.  SPLAT!  SPLAT!  SPLAT!!  Ouch!! Those buggers hurt!!  In the end, I think I still got off pretty light, but i'm sure I'm going to have some interestingly placed and shaped bruises tomorrow - and i was very grateful I was wearing decent sunglasses to protect my eyes as, right at the end, I got a big fat tomato right in the face.  I can tell ya they taste even worse than they smell.....

So, after about half an hour of this (with Lori clinging even more to the fringes, staying out of the melee but instead taking some great videos), we were flung out so wearily made our way out of the Mosh Mush Pit, Lori taking a few tomatoey hugs along the way from guys who decided she looked way too clean!  We got back to the car without further incident, and - with a great deal of relief, I peeled off the gecko layers and picked the tomato seeds out of various nooks and crannies, scraped the squish off my face and marveled at the folks who were only just going in to Battle. 

A little light shopping before Battle

Saving people 15% or more on their car insurance

After.  I survived.

Tomatogeddon

The Tomato Squash Mosh Pit

And, so our first Tomato Battle had been done and won, and it was time to head home.  Driving back to Lori's (via the saddest, most melancholy Safeway's I've ever been in), her brand new car smell was slowly and insidiously being replaced with an overripe sweet Roma stench and - as i transferred my tomato-sodden gecko costume to my car - I, too, got to enjoy that delightful aroma on the drive home.  Traffic was as expected so it took me about an hour to get home so, all that was left to do, was to give the Potato of Destiny and Despair a thorough scrubbing and to thank him for a job very well done.  I feel we bonded today on a whole new level.  It's been really quite special.

Gettin' clean...

Drying out at the end of a long day.

A little snippet from Lori's view of the proceedings, safely on the fringes:

And from one of our fellow warriors - a video from a helmet cam to give you a sense of the carnage...

Or, if you want to know what it would have been like in the Heart Of Tomato Battle, here's the director's cut of the whole battle from soup to...err... soup, I guess. Be warned - this video is not for the faint of heart.....