Condor de los Andes is a great hostel – rooms v plain and simple, but beds comfy & plenty of hot water for showers! Noelia had been very helpful and booked our Ice Trek for us, so it was another early start (are you sure we’re on holiday?!) and up at 6am. Breakfast had been laid out for us downstairs, so after tea and bread and jam, we made our way to Casa de Guias where we were to meet our guide for the day. Our guide was this wiry chap called Andreas who seemed to have the smallest bottom I’d ever seen. How on earth his arse was big enough to adequately connect his legs with his body, it’s a mystery of physiology. Anyway, after signing all the relevant disclaimers promising not to sue if we fell off the glaciers and died, we were given crampons, a harness and lunch. Met up with the rest of our group, 3 guys – 2 Polish tax accountants Thom and Jan, plus an American guy called Darren. They were all great fun so it was a lively group!
We all set off from the Casa at about half seven – didn’t really know what to expect, only that it was a long day and we’d be back around 7pm (should have given us a clue really!) Basically the day’s itinerary was to walk out of El Chalten, along the route to Laguna Torre, via the Mirador Laguna Torres, then along the river bed for a while before reaching the point where we had to cross the river (this took about 3hrs). From here, it wasn’t possible to go any further unless you were either a professional climber or you were with a guide on an organized trek. Here we were instructed to put our harnesses on (wedgy alert!) and Andreas showed us how the river crossing via rope bridge was done. Basically, clip yourself and your harness onto the rope, ease out from the side letting the harness take your weight, and then pull yourself along with your hands, making sure you keep them behind your head, so as not to mash them in the pulley as you go. Obviously Andreas with The Tiny Arse made it look incredibly easy (I think he’d done it once or twice before) and, at first, it didn’t seem so bad – until you got to the saggy middle bit where your arms starting burning and you started wondering how much further it was to have to haul yourself to the other side! An equally prominent thought was in wishing you’d lost that extra 10lbs before coming on holiday! I was the 2nd to go and I made it OK –I don’t think I’d win any prizes for the most elegant rope-crossing style but I only managed to jam the pulley with my gloves twice and didnt lose any fingers, so all in all, it was a successful first for me!
Anyway, took about 10mins for everyone to cross – from here, we were basically at Laguna Torres and it was time to get serious in our approach to the glacier for the main business of ice-trekking. What this entailed was an absolute lung-buster of a climb up over the side of the mountain for about an hour, before an equally precarious and lengthy scramble down the glacial scree on the other side. Got to the bottom and our legs were burning and knees felt like jelly, but we’d made it and were at the leading (ablative) edge of the glacier. Here we were instructed to put our crampons on (yet another personal first) and instructed how to walk in them. If you ever happen to find yourself in an unexpected crampon-wearing situation, here’s all you need to know to look like a pro:
5 Golden Rules for a Successful Crampon Experience:
Rule 1: Keep your feet about shoulder-width apart at all times. This stops you from puncturing your own feet with 2in long metal spikes. Unfortunately, this golden rule doesn’t stop you from being a clumsy arse and inadvertently treading on your boyfriend’s feet when going in for a quick kiss. Not recommended for fostering happy and long-lasting relationships.
Rule 2: Don’t forget you’re wearing crampons (see Rule 1)
Rule 3: Don’t run, jump or attempt to hurdle in crampons. Stumbling and twisting ones' ankle when crossing a rather deep crevasse is also generally considered a fairly bad idea.
Rule 4: Keep all 10 spikes in the ice at all times – even if it means having to bend your ankles somewhat when walking uphill sideways (see Rule 3).
Rule 5: When going downhill, keep your feet facing forwards, bend at the knees a little and head straight down. Trust in your spikes and pray that your ankles hold up.
Time to hit the wall - of ice!
Now we were all black-belt crampon experts, it was time to head out further onto the glacier – we were walking on the bit that’s known as the ablation zone (where it all the chunks fall off) vs the accumulation zone where it forms (it all made me want to go and buy a geography text book to go read up on glaciers!). We were just hoping that the little bit we were clumping around on was relatively stable and not going to collapse on us! After about an hour of exploring, marveling and crapping ourselves at the deep Prussian-blue cracks, crevasses and potholes in equal measure, it was time to stop for lunch. Andreas found us a safe spot where we hunkered down and destroyed our empanadas in record time (Jan earning the nickname of Empanada Monster) whilst he disappeared off for a while at the top of this steep wall of ice. Hmm. After about 20mins, it became clear this was where we were all going to have a go at ice-wall climbing. Wussing-out was not an option and, again, Andreas showed us first how it was done. Easy!! Stick your ice-axes in, your front spikes, keep your bum in and off you go. Yeah, right. Again, I was the second to go – fortunately, we were all clipped into safety ropes and had a bright orange helmet on (Darren looked like a matchstick) so we weren’t in any real danger but even still, I was somewhat nervous. After getting off to a cracking start where I had the thought “Wow –
I’m a natural at this ice-climbing malarkey – result!”, it all went a bit pear-shaped for me about halfway up where I started getting tired and finding a suitable foothold for my spikes seemed to get harder and harder. My arse was also being extremely disobedient and sticking out lots, throwing off my centre of gravity, but after much effort and even more swearing, I made it to the top!! Whoo-hooo!!! Getting down was a piece of cake – simply leant back into the harness and abseiled down as Andreas controlled the rope. Sam went after me – he had a shakier start than me but then got into it, except his shoes were rather bendy, so he had trouble with his footspikes and consequently hauled himself up primarily with his hands!! But he also made it to the top and safely got back down again, so well done to the both of us!!The long, long walk home
After we’d all had a go, we were all pretty knackered so just wandered round the ice a bit more before the absolute bitch of a climb back up the hill from hell. I swear it doubled in length whilst we were on the ice. Then the equally tortuous descent – in some places it was so steep, there were ropes along the side of the “path” to cling to, to stop you falling off the sides of the mountain (I was very glad i'd be telling my Mum about this particular bit of the trip after I'd got safely home!) After about 2hrs and an infinity of this, we eventually got down to the bottom and walked back to the rope bridge for our crossing back over the river. My body mass seemed to have tripled since the morning (I blame those empanadas) as the arms gave out about halfway across and I hauled myself rather pathetically across the river, Sam being the diamond BF and giving me a hand to drag me in on the other side! Fortunately we could all then take off our harnesses (no more comments from the boys about budgie-smuggling) and then start the long, long walk back to El Chalten. I think I must have been sleepwalking in the morning, cos the hike back seemed to take absolutely bloody ages. I think Andreas was eager to get back to town cos we walked at a fairly brisk pace for about 4hrs, with only a couple of very brief stops to take a breather and a drink (plus an insect for Sam). I lost the will to live several times along the way back - the only way I could make it was to keep lying to myself by saying “just another half hour, just another half hour”. But after a staggering 30kms round-trip and 11hrs, we finally made it back into El Chalten, just after 6.30pm. We dropped the kit back off at the Casa and all staggered to the nearest beerhouse, which was conveniently located next door. There the boys demolished several large pints of microbrew whilst I did my bit for Queen and country with some well-deserved Malbec. After a couple of hours, we said our goodbyes, headed back to the hostel for supper before collapsing into bed utterly, utterly exhausted but feeling very pleased (if somewhat incredulous!) with ourselves! A very challenging day, but extremely satisfying and a great accomplishment!
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