Greetings blogwatchers!
I’m baaaaaaaaack. Sorry for the
extended absence – one of my dearest blog fans gently nudged me a couple of
days ago and told me he was fed up looking at the same damn teacup, so I should
get a bloody move on and update my blog.
Lots to catch you up on, so I’ll just dive in.
First up, those of you on Facebook may have noticed something curious in my activity feed.
Its called running. And it’s a curious activity indeed.
First thing that you should know is that I HATE running. I loathe and despise it with every fibre of my usually <4mph bipedally-propelled="" body.="" face="inherit" font=""> 4mph>I vaguely remember a long-ago and distant time back in NYC where I used to “run” more often and claim that I might have actually enjoyed it once but, in reality, I was only r*nning for the beer (see Hash House Harriers and you’ll know what I mean). Now, the closest thing I get to running is when Nordstrom is having a shoe sale or World Market is about to sell the last illegally-imported bar of Cadbury’s. That’s worth breaking out into a trot for.
So, with this in mind, what do I go and do? Why, I just go and sign myself up for a charity Half Marathon in July, that’s what!
As is keeping with my all or nothing, go big or go home mentality (that
usually serves me well – except for occasions like this one), I think I really
outdid myself this time. Its for an organization called the Crohn’s and
Colitis Foundation – a very worthy cause that my company is a supporter
of. Each year, we send a team from our
company to participate in the Half Marathon that’s held in Napa in July. I think my brain really just processed the
last 3 words of that sentence and glazed over the first half – I’m ashamed to
admit there was also a healthy dollop of peer pressure involved in my agreeing
to do it (Jonathan – this is all your fault!) but its too late to back out now –
I’m committed!!
I also figured it was
good to help me get into shape for my vacation this year which is…..drum roll,
please…….. hiking to Machu Picchu!! Its
been on the bucket list for ever, so I
figured this was finally the year I would get my flabby arse into gear and JFDI!
I’m now three weeks into the training and I’m writing this
having already pulled a muscle in my calf last Saturday (so, its going well). In true dyspraxic-fashion, did I hurt myself
during the 2-mile group training run?
Why, of course not. I tweaked it a couple of hours later crossing
the damn road, when quickly shifted from a leisurely stroll to a scuttle, so as
to not inadvertently get Frogger'd . It’s
a right pain as it’s a recurring injury, stemming from a bad fall up some icy
train platform steps last winter. It
took a couple of weeks to heal then, but its never quite been right since and
it tweaks out on me on regular occasions, at least once every couple of
months. I’m also sitting here smelling
quite magnificently of menthol, having availed myself liberally of Bengay
Intense Heat. Hopefully it’ll be better by Saturday – I’d
hate to miss out on all the "fun" of our next group run. God only knows what interminable distance our
coach will be demanding we run this week.
So, here’s what I’ve learnt about running so far.
Remember - I run, so you don’t have to. Remember that when I ask you for sponsorship money.
I would also like to point out that I have been learning all these salutary facts at a ridiculously early – and generally bloody freezing – time on a Saturday morning. Yes, I’ve committed myself to get up at 6.30am on a Saturday morning, every weekend throughout the damn summer to go sodding running. My misery will be truly complete when I start my private swim lessons on Sundays (more to come on that later – I think I may actually loathe swimming even more than I do running – it has all of the physical misery PLUS the added downside of a tight skimpy Lycra outfit PLUS requires significantly more depilatory time & effort than is standard for a single girl in winter PLUS it mucks up your hair AND you smell of a toilet freshener afterwards. Grrrr. The only thing I’m looking forward to about swimming is bitching about it bitterly on here afterwards).
Anyway, here’s what I’ve learnt about running so far – in no particular order:
- I still hate it
- Running at 8.30am on a Saturday morning in 25 degree weather makes you question your existence on this barren icy planet.
- It’s a lot easier with music – it drowns out the ongoing torrent of expletives that course through your brain about how much you abhor running. (please note: by “easy” I mean “marginally less than unbearable”)
- Gloves are helpful to stop your fingers freezing off. Even more helpful if you remember this before you start running.
- Having properly fitting shoes actually does make a difference – its elevated my Hufflepuff shamblings into a full-on Zombie Shuffle. I aspire to a slow jog, but I sense that is still several weeks of hard training away.
- Unless you already have been running for at least 10 years and already have legs like an African gazelle, don’t even THINK about trying on a pair of running tights. They are not meant for mere mortals like you. Just step away. Don’t be suckered in by all the friendly, approachable adverts, promising instant joy and similarly attired new friends. They lie. If, however, you want to feel utter abject despair as the super shiny, insanely patterned neon Lycra makes your thighs look like a Redwood forest and your crotch look like an Egyptian Bactrian bazaar, then go straight ahead. Knock yourself out. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
- I now know what a compression sleeve is (and its not what you get when you jam fat arms into a tiny cardi). And I suspect there is a fine line between looking cool and looking like a tool when wearing one. I’m testing that boundary right now, wearing one on my right calf, over slightly stubbly bear legs, with a knee-length dress. I think I probably look ridiculous but no-one has laughed outright at me yet, so I’m going to continue to werk it for a bit longer.
- There’s a mildly odd feeling when you are sitting in a little cafĂ©, enjoying a well-earned slice of Key Lime pie, when one of the songs from your running mixes comes on over the stereo. In that moment, you are rightfully able to inhabit universes of both athlete and glutton in equal measure. My brain seemed to process the dichotomy by tapping my toes and eating faster.
So, that’s it for now. Next up, more deets on what I’ve been up to
since my last blog post – including another impending move! Well, it has been a whole year since my last housewarming party….. That plus more details of my next few travel plans and a River Of Green.....
6 comments:
Running... me too! Early mornings... me too! Machu Picchu (total bucket list item for me)! Key Lime Pie! New Blog post! Emphatic punctuation to indicate general excitement! You have been missed. All exciting stuff, can't wait to hear more and to run together the next time our paths cross. Jessica xo
Now is that Bear legs as in grizzly or Bare legs as in naked. Also after reading this for our added amusement I'm expecting to see some videos of said training uploaded to your YouTube page, additional proof before hard earned cash is exchanged of course.
I do admire the way you keep throwing yourself into activities you loathe ,just to keep us entertained and laughing. Ilong ago reached the age when I can say '"don't want to," like a sulky teenager and never feel peer pressure ! Yay for getting old ,so many positives ! Very pleased to welcome you back, we , your faithful readers have missed you. xxxxxxxxx
Oh thank god the Queen of Blogs is back, and what a corker it is! I feel every step you conquer and soooo funny with the Bactrian bazzar! You have such a wonderful way of describing things, what we have sorely missed!! but well done you, esp in that freezing cold!Keep it up! Love you! xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
I guess my nudging worked!!! Only Sarah would pull a muscle walking across the street. A great blog entry to get us warmed up again. You have been missed my dear friend.
I dont think that anyone would have the courage to laugh at your appearance (well not out aloud anyway) That would be really poking the bear with a stick
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