What I Have Learnt from Running - Part 1

Greetings blogwatchers!  I’m baaaaaaaaack.  Sorry for the extended absence – one of my dearest blog fans gently nudged me a couple of days ago and told me he was fed up looking at the same damn teacup, so I should get a bloody move on and update my blog.   Lots to catch you up on, so I’ll just dive in.

First up, those of you on Facebook may have noticed something curious in my activity feed.

Its called running.  And it’s a curious activity indeed.    

First thing that you should know is that I HATE running.  I loathe and despise it with every fibre of my usually <4mph bipedally-propelled="" body.="" face="inherit" font="">  I vaguely remember a long-ago and distant time back in NYC where I used to “run” more often and claim that I might have actually enjoyed it once but, in reality, I was only r*nning for the beer (see Hash House Harriers and you’ll know what I mean).   Now, the closest thing I get to running is when Nordstrom is having a shoe sale or World Market is about to sell the last illegally-imported bar of Cadbury’s.   That’s worth breaking out into a trot for.

So, with this in mind, what do I go and do?  Why, I just go and sign myself up for a charity Half Marathon in July, that’s what!  

As is keeping with my all or nothing, go big or go home mentality (that usually serves me well – except for occasions like this one), I think I really outdid myself this time.   Its for an organization called the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation – a very worthy cause that my company is a supporter of.  Each year, we send a team from our company to participate in the Half Marathon that’s held in Napa in July.  I think my brain really just processed the last 3 words of that sentence and glazed over the first half – I’m ashamed to admit there was also a healthy dollop of peer pressure involved in my agreeing to do it (Jonathan – this is all your fault!) but its too late to back out now – I’m committed!! 

I also figured it was good to help me get into shape for my vacation this year which is…..drum roll, please…….. hiking to Machu Picchu!!  Its been on the bucket list for ever, so I figured this was finally the year I would get my flabby arse into gear and JFDI!

I’m now three weeks into the training and I’m writing this having already pulled a muscle in my calf last Saturday (so, its going well).  In true dyspraxic-fashion, did I hurt myself during the 2-mile group training run?  Why, of course not.   I tweaked it a couple of hours later crossing the damn road, when quickly shifted from a leisurely stroll to a scuttle, so as to not inadvertently get Frogger'd .  It’s a right pain as it’s a recurring injury, stemming from a bad fall up some icy train platform steps last winter.  It took a couple of weeks to heal then, but its never quite been right since and it tweaks out on me on regular occasions, at least once every couple of months.  I’m also sitting here smelling quite magnificently of menthol, having availed myself liberally of Bengay Intense Heat.   Hopefully it’ll be better by Saturday – I’d hate to miss out on all the "fun" of our next group run.  God only knows what interminable distance our coach will be demanding we run this week.

So, here’s what I’ve learnt about running so far. 

Remember - I run, so you don’t have to.  Remember that when I ask you for sponsorship money.

I would also like to point out that I have been learning all these salutary facts at a ridiculously early – and generally bloody freezing – time on a Saturday morning.  Yes, I’ve committed myself to get up at 6.30am on a Saturday morning, every weekend throughout the damn summer to go sodding running.  My misery will be truly complete when I start my private swim lessons on Sundays (more to come on that later – I think I may actually loathe swimming even more than I do running – it has all of the physical misery PLUS the added downside of a tight skimpy Lycra outfit PLUS requires significantly more depilatory time & effort than is standard for a single girl in winter PLUS it mucks up your hair AND you smell of a toilet freshener afterwards.  Grrrr.  The only thing I’m looking forward to about swimming is bitching about it bitterly on here afterwards). 

Anyway, here’s what I’ve learnt about running so far – in no particular order:

• I still hate it
• Running at 8.30am on a Saturday morning in 25 degree weather makes you question your existence on this barren icy planet. 
• It’s a lot easier with music – it drowns out the ongoing torrent of expletives that course through your brain about how much you abhor running.  (please note: by “easy” I mean “marginally less than unbearable”)
• Gloves are helpful to stop your fingers freezing off.  Even more helpful if you remember this before you start running.
• Having properly fitting shoes actually does make a difference – its elevated my Hufflepuff shamblings into a full-on Zombie Shuffle.  I aspire to a slow jog, but I sense that is still several weeks of hard training away.
• Unless you already have been running for at least 10 years and already have legs like an African gazelle, don’t even THINK about trying on a pair of running tights.  They are not meant for mere mortals like you.  Just step away.  Don’t be suckered in by all the friendly, approachable adverts, promising instant joy and similarly attired new friends.  They lie.  If, however, you want to feel utter abject despair as the super shiny, insanely patterned neon Lycra makes your thighs look like a Redwood forest and your crotch look like an Egyptian Bactrian bazaar, then go straight ahead.  Knock yourself out.  Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
• I now know what a compression sleeve is (and its not what you get when you jam fat arms into a tiny cardi).  And I suspect there is a fine line between looking cool and looking like a tool when wearing one.  I’m testing that boundary right now, wearing one on my right calf, over slightly stubbly bear legs, with a knee-length dress.  I think I probably look ridiculous but no-one has laughed outright at me yet, so I’m going to continue to werk it for a bit longer.
• There’s a mildly odd feeling when you are sitting in a little café, enjoying a well-earned slice of Key Lime pie, when one of the songs from your running mixes comes on over the stereo.  In that moment, you are rightfully able to inhabit universes of both athlete and glutton in equal measure.  My brain seemed to process the dichotomy by tapping my toes and eating faster.

So, that’s it for now.  Next up, more deets on what I’ve been up to since my last blog post – including another impending move!  Well, it has been a whole year since my last housewarming party….. That plus more details of my next few travel plans and a River Of Green.....