Naked Genius
No, I'm not referring to myself, so you can all just settle back down.  I was inspired in these random musings by a weekend visit to the Genius Bar at the Apple store in Union Square in San Francisco.  The reason for my visit was the continued technological fall-out from (re)discovering that computers and liquids don't mix. As a result of completely buggering up my work Mac, I'd been given an old colleague's machine - only problem was that the battery life, unplugged, was only about an hour.  Not terribly useful for someone who does as much travel as I do.  My request for a new machine was pretty much laughed at (I think i'm on IT's blacklist) and instead I was instructed to get a new battery for it.  So, here I was.  Sunday morning, 10am and waiting for my appointment with a bona fide genius.  I also took the opportunity to bring my iPad in for them to check out as well, as it had been acting up and I wanted to see if I could upgrade the operating system on it.

Fascinating stuff so far, right?

Anyway, as I sat at the Genius Bar ("ice and a slice with your genius, madam?") my mind started to wander and ponder.  And i would like to ask you, blog-watchers, does anyone else feel completely stupid the minute they step into an Apple Store?  Or is it just me??  Does anyone else feel completely inadequate and barely able to remember how to form words when aforementioned Genius asks you the dreaded question "So, what appears to be the problem?".

Genius: "So, what appears to be the problem?"

Me:  "Its my iPad.  Its really slow and I can't seem to get it linked to the cloud-thingy"

Genius: "OK.  Did you try updating the operating software?"

Me:  "Well, yes - I think so.  Umm... I think I tried it but I'm not sure"

Genius:  "Did you try something that to me will sound completely obvious and the equivalent of asking you if you plugged it in and switched it on but to you, mere mortal, will sound completely unintelligible and leave you feeling like a rabbit caught in headlights, thus confirming my complete superiority over you in every conceivable way?"

Me:  "...Meeep..."

Are they perhaps called Geniuses not because of their technical prowess and ability to resurrect iPads and iPods from idiot-induced injury or for their skill in installing widgets and fixes, but instead because they can actually manage to figure out what the hell is wrong based on customer responses that amount to little more than grunts.  I think it probably is the equivalent of Shakespeare sitting down with a chimpanzee and a typewriter and managing to translate the primate's random keyboard poundings into Macbeth.  I think Amy Poehler spoke for many of us mere mortals in this ad, aired recently during the Superbowl....when did it all get so damned confusing?

http://www.hulu.com/adzone/452846

So, at least for me, being in an Apple Store is a curious mix of feeling intensely stupid and wanting to shout to the rafters "I DO HAVE A BRAIN - I'M NOT STUPID - I HAVE A GREAT JOB - I JUST DONT KNOW WHAT THE HELL YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT!!" with feeling the siren's lure of seductive new products in sexy packaging that are Oh So Shiny.  I'm sure its that combo of anxiety and excitement that taps into some not-so-hidden part of your psyche that makes you rush to purchase said complex, unintelligible and fundamentally unnecessary product, just to prove to yourself (and whoever might be watching) that YOU are the master of this technology and are not in the least intimidated, dammit.

And to think this is what I do for a living.  I feel suitably complicit in my own anguish.

The other random thought I had as I was sitting at the Bar (i was there for a while) was how much of our lives are on display on our mobile devices (not probably a radical thought, I know) and actually how personal it felt to hand over my iPad to a complete stranger to look at.  It felt like the technological equivalent of a gyne exam.

You know they do it every single day, day in, day out, there's nothing they haven't seen before- and they've probably seen MUCH worse than what's on my iPad - but you still feel somewhat embarrassed.   Why didn't I go through and check my apps beforehand?  What do I have on there?   How many dating site apps are too many?  Is it OK that a 40-year old woman has Prehistoric Park and Plants vs Zombies pegged as favorites?  Is the Genius rushing to judgment about my Gratitude app or my Couch to 5K training app?   Rather than not give a crap about what the Genius is thinking (and I'm sure there are MANY people who wouldn't give two hoots), I was curious as to what internal conclusions he was reaching about me and my life, based on my mobile entertainment choices and information sources.  Maybe he was so bored out of his mind that he wasn't drawing any conclusions at all.  But i'd be surprised if that was the case as making snap judgments on others based on what we see is part of human nature.  I'm reading this fascinating book at the moment (given to me by some bona fide geniuses) called "Snoop - What Your Stuff Says About You" which is all about how, simply by looking at someone's belongings, their decorating choices, what they choose to display on their desks at work or on the fridge at home, you can learn some of the most essential components of our personality - from friendliness and flexibility to openness and originality.   I'm about a third of the way in and am very curious to find out what my stuff is projecting to the world about me! (its also a very useful skill to develop when you've just starting dating someone and get invited over to their house...)

The final thought I had (after moving through the emotional spectrum of anxiety, stupidity, embarrassment and resignation) was somewhat more outwardly directed.  I finally started to wonder just what it must feel like to actually BE one of the Geniuses in the Genius Bar in the Apple Store.  And then, specifically, what it must feel like to be one of the Geniuses in the Genius Bar in the Apple Store in San Francisco, center of the white-hot tech universe.  I already talked in a previous blog about how the tecchie gadzillionaire overachieving twenty-somethings and app developers can make the rest of us non-techhie mere mortals feel like under-achieving has-beens (http://sazzinthecity.blogspot.com/2012/11/the-occasional-trials-of-working-in.html), but I wondered what it must feel like to be publicly labeled a "Genius" in a town full of computing wunderkinds and trailblazers.   I wonder whether the potential feelings of superiority a Genius may feel over a techhie numpty like me may get overshadowed by feelings of inadequacy they would have about themselves in a self-imagined conversation with such technological titans (ie if you're such a genius, why didn't you invent Lyft or Dropbox and make millions and millions of dollars?  If you're such a genius, why are you still working in a shop?").  And so, just for a fleeting moment, I felt something close to empathy for the Genius - and then, as quickly as the average brand lifecycle of the latest iPhone, it was gone again.

Time for me and my Blackberry to get out of there...