Stand-up Comedy

When is it, exactly, when you are trying something entirely new, that you think to yourself  “I wonder if this was a good idea?”  

Our chariots await...

I had my moment this morning, just as I was about to ease my paddleboard into the Colorado River and hop onto it for the first time.   I’d booked the tour because a) it looked great on the website b) I thought it went through Canyonlands NP so would be the perfect way to explore that park and c) I was, frankly, curious to find out what all the fuss was about.  It’s all the rage back home in SF and California, so time to find out if the reality lives up to the hype.

As it happened, it wasn’t actually in Canyonlands at all, but it was just outside of Moab, close to Arches NP, on a section of the river called Big Bend.   Our guide for today was a young bronzed guy called Russell who had approximately zero percent body fat and one of those chiseled, enviable physiques of the very young and extremely fit.  He was an absolute cutie pie and did a great job at making you feel at ease – he was also completely outnumbered, as the entire group was made up of women, six of us in total!  (obviously stand-up paddleboarding is too hard core for guys).  I’d bought a bright yellow waterproof case that I was going to put my iPhone into, so that I’d have a chance at taking some pictures on the water.  Given my long, illustrious history of electronics and water, this was probably the most risky part of the whole experience…

Lori showing how its done.

Anyway, we all got clipped into our life jackets that were very snug (the girls were rather squished) and Russell gave a short explanation of what to do and what not to do.  Basically it was pretty straightforward – stand in the middle of the board, feet fairly wide apart to maximize your balance and stability, put one hand on top of the paddle, the other about 3 feet lower and turn it by using paddle strokes further out from the body of your board.  He showed us how to get back on the board if we fell in (grab the far edge of the board, then lay across the central part and just haul yourself up – it didn’t tip up towards you, so was actually quite easy) and also the signs to make when we did, so that he’d know we were either OK (make a big O with your arm, one arm raised, elbow bent and palm placed on your head) or that you need help or are hurt (one arm raised straight into the air, making a fist).

With the basics covered, there was nothing else left to do than to just go for it.  I was running a personal sweepstake with myself as to how many seconds it would take for me to fall in.  I figured – with my crappy sense of balance – I would last for less than a minute before taking a dunk into the Colorado river!

I was wrong!!

And it’s not what you are all thinking (shame on you all and your lack of faith).  I didn't fall in at all until we hit the rapids!  Its true!  It was a lot easier to stand up on the board than I was expecting, although your legs did start to ache almost instantly (which is odd, given you’re on them all day).   The paddleboard was fairly straightforward to steer although, true to form, I did start out backwards on my board (in my defense, I wasn’t the only one!).   The water was very calm with just enough current to help keep you moving downstream, without too much effort required.  The weather was also perfect – mid-morning and not roastingly hot (especially in your lifejackets!).  It was a glorious way to enjoy the river and the surrounding canyon, the massive red rock walls towering high over you, gliding (yes, me!) along silently, past the watching herons. 

And then we hit the rapids.

Pre-rapids.

They weren’t big rapids at all.  If you were in one of those inflatable rafts, you’d probably barely notice them but, perched atop a 6-inch thick slab of glorified polystyrene, they were plenty big enough!   Before we went through them (it took less than a minute all told), Russell gave us some advice for how to handle them – make sure your stance is wide, maybe angle your feet out a bit, and then have a slight bend in your knees and keep them loose and try to adjust to the movement of the water.  If we didn't feel comfortable trying the rapids standing up, he also said we could kneel on the board or even sit down.    In the spirit of “what the hell?”, I thought – sod it, lets do this!  So, with a mildly elevated heart rate and the internal voice in my head not entirely comfortable with this course of action, I planted my feet, bent my knees and pointed my board straight towards the rapids.

Ha ha ha.

I lasted about 10 seconds!  Entering into the rapids, it was POW!  The water slapped your board from all sides, so as you tried to adjust to one ripple from one side, another one got you from the other.   Bobbling up and down, the paddle now merely a decorative item, my empathy for all socks everywhere increased exponentially.   I think I did well to last as long as I did but – as was inevitable – down I went, the board shooting out from below my feet as I toppled backwards from my board into the Colorado river.

The river felt absolutely amazing.   I got a nose full of water as I went in but, despite that, the water was warm and enveloped your body in a comforting (non-drowning) way.  Bobbling in the water like a human champagne cork, it was fairly easy to swim with the current and catch up with my board (fortunately I’d managed to keep hold of my paddle) and getting back on was pretty straightforward.  I survived!!   I think part of the fun is obviously falling in and getting wet and, once I knew I’d be OK and it wasn't too scary, the rest of the trip was even more relaxed.    I did manage to fall off again for no apparent reason other than the board was now wet on top and I just lost concentration for a moment.  I came close a couple other times too, but managed to claw it back from a rather impressive 45 degree board tilt.  There were a couple of other littler rapids further down – and I managed to remain on my feet for those, so I was very proud of myself!!

OK, OK,  this isn't me.  Russell, our guide, shows
off his skills

Just me, my board and a VERY
tight grip on my i-Phone

All in all, it was a LOT of fun and I would definitely do it again.  I’m not sure it’ll be a new hobby I carry home with me, though – paddleboarding in the (mostly) relatively calm Colorado river is one thing.  Paddleboarding in the freezing cold, wavefesty Pacific ocean is quite another….

We survived!!

So, we both survived the experience unscathed (Lori fell in 3-4 times) and loved every moment.  Returning back to the MAC, we got changed into some dry clothes, picked up some food for the long drive to Cedar City and bade our farewell to Moab. 

But wait! – maybe we’ll be back!  Our last experience as we were leaving the town limits was to stop off at a natural spring and to fill our water bottles.  The fun part of this is that its called Matrimonial Spring and its said that anyone who drinks from the spring will either be married within one year – or will fall in love with Moab and return and never leave.  Clock is ticking now then.  I guess Lori and I need to get our asses off the couch and start dating again stat, otherwise, come July 4^th 2014, we’ll be Utah-bound!  So, Mr. Right – you’d better be ready!!

Taking the Waters at Matrimonial Springs

Cheaper than Match.com.
And quite possibly more effective....

Its a long long road to Cedar City....