Windsorhengeford

After yesterday's fairly light day of activities, today was going to be a verrrrrrry long day. I thought it would be good for the Squids to see something of England outside of just London, so today we had booked a coach tour that would include Windsor Castle, Stonehenge and Oxford.  Unlike our previous tours, this one was your standard 50 people on a big bus tour, run again by our friends Evan Evans.  So it wasn't going to have the personal touch of some of our previous adventures, but it was good enough as a way to get out and about with the least amount of hassle.

Approaching the beautiful Windsor Castle via the psycho-path

So, as such, we had a bit of an early start, as we had to make sure we were at Victoria coach station by 8.30am, ready for a 8.50am departure.  Fortunately the coach station was fairly close, so we just hopped into a cab and made our way over to the correct gate, to wait for boarding.  I managed to find myself at the head of the line and, while we were waiting, ManpanionTM and the Squids went to a nearby coffee stand to grab some coffee and snacks.  While they were still waiting online, the gate opened for boarding, so i headed straight onto the bus to save some seats right at the front (so the Squids could have the best view), anticipating that the rest of the crew wouldn't be too long behind me.

Wrong.   

Unfortunately the numpties running the coffee stand took so long, by the time the coffee was acquired, ManpanionTM and the Squids were dead last in the queue, right at the back of the hoards of people crowding onto the bus.  And so began The Great Ten Minute Wait, as I frantically held on to all 4 seats, right at the front of the bus, all the time fending off death stares from everyone else getting on.  I was frantically signalling to ManpanionTM to just HURRY THE FUCK UP and push your way to the front to get on and save me from this seat-holding hell I found myself in, but there was no way through the log jam so I was on my own.  My anxiety became even more acute when our guide, a harmless looking chap called Salvatore, turned to me and made the comment that I shouldn't really have been holding these seats if the rest of my party wasn't ready.  The reason this attention from our guide was more terrifying that you'd probably think was because, just a couple of minutes previously, he'd revealed himself to be a pukka, on-the-edge, please don't kill me softly spoken until he cracks psychopath!!  

At first, a bit of a bumbling, forced happiness "hello!  welcome on board!  yes, thats right, move along now, well done" kind of a guy.   The one who you know, deep down, really REALLY hates his job, the tourists and all of humanity as he has to spend each and every working day dealing with the great unwashed and trying to keep a tour bus of 50 people on schedule and not lose anyone, despite at least 50% of them not understanding any English.  That faux-jollity is utterly terrifying - you just remember all the stories you've heard on the news of people saying about their former work colleagues who have just gone postal and shot up the office "he was such a nice man, quiet but always had a smile".  Well, that smile is actually barely suppressed lunacy and one which I got to witness first hand, sitting just one row back and off to the side, as I clung to my precious empty seats and mentally pleaded for ManpanionTM to just get on the bus already and save me from this torture.   

As I was sitting miserably, trying to avoid eye contact with anyone and sending out my best "Terribly Sorry for holding these seats" and "Fuck Off, Don't Even Think about it" vibes in equal measure, two women got on the bus for their tour.  They gave their names (they were foreign but spoke passable English (they were Australian, I think)) but Salvatore didn't have their names on his list.  They explained that they'd spoken to the tour office this morning and had booked and paid for the trip, and had been told by the office to come here.  Salvatore (or Crazy Sal as we'll refer to him from now on) replied politely - but oh so brightly - that, sorry, he didn't have them on his list and the bus was completely 100% full, so they would have to phone or go back to the office.  Obviously, the ladies weren't happy about this (understandably) and there was a couple of minutes of back-and-forth, and Crazy Sal got off the bus to talk to the lady with the clipboard who was obviously the dispatcher.  Getting back on the bus, he again said that "you need to talk to the office directly and that they needed to get off the bus" which prompted one of them to protest loudly that "we've paid our money so we aren't going anywhere". 

At which point, the loosely in place sanity switch in Crazy Sal was flipped and he yelled at the top of his voice in their faces to "GET OFF THE BUS!  NOW!" in a tone that was utterly terrifyingly bowel-loosening and also made me want to flee for my life too.  I was, indeed, shartled.  The two women just looked completely shocked and got off the bus without a single additional word - probably just feeling profoundly grateful to escape with life and limb intact - I wouldn't be surprised if they just headed directly to the nearest church to light a candle and give thanks for their escape.  

And then, just like that, 2 seconds later, the switch was back on and Crazy Sal once again reverted back to his bumbling, congenial David Brent-like tour guide host, welcoming the next set of punters onto the bus.  Fortunately for them - and for everyone else on line - everyone else had tickets so was on his list- God only knows what might have happened if not.

So, but the time that ManpanionTM and the Squids FINALLY made it onto the bus, I was a fucking wreck and a bundle of overfrayed and undercaffeinated nerves.  Obviously ManpanionTM had no idea what had been going on, but he could see I was a tad stressed out.  It took a good 10 mins or so of glowering out of the coach window before I'd calmed myself enough to recount what had happened.  We both agreed that simply getting out of the day alive would constitute a success.

Anyway, drama over and it was time for the off!  Other than the potential to be murdered in a white-hot rage by our tour guide, the main downside of today was going to be all the driving.  It wasn't too bad for the first leg, as it would take us about an hour (depending on traffic) to get to Windsor Castle where we'd have about an hour and a half to look around.  As it happens, traffic was light throughout the day as probably many people were still out on holiday, despite it being a Monday morning.  As we drove out to Windsor, Crazy Sal gave some narration about the part of town we were driving through and also showed us how to use our Vox boxes.  These were little green boxes with an earbud by which Crazy Sal could talk to us and keep us together and on time during our various stops.  Actually a really good idea.  He did impress upon us all that - if we were late back to the bus - that he would NOT wait and we WOULD be left behind.  After his little performance earlier on, none of us were in any doubt he'd do exactly that AND that it would be the highlight of his day.  I did ask him later on if that ever happened and he replied quite casually "Oh yes, on most days actually" - yikes!!

Anyway, here we were at Windsor with the castle a short walk from the coach park.  I've been to Windsor before, many years ago, and remember the town and castle as being beautiful.  And they both still were - but unfortunately our visit left us with barely enough to race round the highlights of the castle, so we didn't get to spend any time exploring the town itself.  But the castle was magnificent.  We headed first for the Royal State Apartments which was were all the grand banqueting rooms and State rooms are - if you've never been to Windsor Castle, here are a couple of  links - unfortunately, as expected, I wasn't able to take any pictures of the interior but it really was stunning.  Sumptuous rooms filled with beautiful artwork, furniture and the weight of history.  Fabulous.  

https://www.royalcollection.org.uk/visit/windsorcastle/what-to-see-and-do/the-state-apartments
http://www.express.co.uk/news/royal/658446/Windsor-Castle-look-inside-queen-elizabeth-home

St.Georges Chapel

Our visit round the Royal State Apartments took almost an hour and, with an eye very firmly fixed on the clock and the 30mins remaining until it was time to be back on the bus, we decided to split up.   I would run back towards the coach park, through the shopping centre and stop at a Pret or similar to buy lunch, which MPTM & the Squids would have a quick gander round St.George's chapel.  As I made to leave the castle, it was approaching 10.30am and - yes - they were changing the Palace guards!!  So I got stuck waiting to leave for 5-6 mins, which put me in the coffee shop just after 10.30am.  No  problem, I thought.  Plenty of time to buy sandwiches and make it back to the coach by 10.50am, ahead of our 11am departure.

Wrong.

It took AGES!!  I think being on holiday for the last couple of days had made everyone forget how to work or make coffee or something, as it took for-evah!  I was about 6 people from the front of the queue and seemed to have inadvertently stumbled upon the first 2017 meet-up group of Wanky Coffee Drinker Aficionados - what's wrong with just plain black coffee, people??  WHY do you need to place such complicated hot beverage orders when I'm behind you in the queue starting to break out in a flop sweat of anxiety as I watch the clock tick inexorably closer to 11am?!  By 11.48am, I was hopping from foot to foot in desperation ("HURRY UP!! I screamed silently at the man ahead of me) and mentally figuring out at what point I would simply have to dump the sandwiches in a heap on the floor and sprint for the bus.  Fortunately, in the nick of time, I finally made it to the cash desk, plonked the stuff down in front of the barista with a "um..I'm in a bit of a hurry" aside comment (not aimed directly at her, of course, that would be rude) and waited impatiently as she took her sweet baby Jesus time to find a fucking bag to put it all in.  10.53am.   COME ON!!!  AARRGGGHHH!!!  By 10.55am, I'd finally paid and was sprinting for the station.  I made it by 10.58am with just moments to spare - the bus was already almost full and the engines were already on, so you could just about make out the disappointment in Crazy Sal's eyes when I turned up in time.  Ironically, ManpanionTM and the Squids had already made it back to the bus and had been there already for 10mins, and were starting to get a little concerned where I was!

And with that, our whistle-stop tour of Windsor was complete and it was time to hunker down (with our rather substandard sandwiches) for the 1.5hr drive to Stonehenge.  I'd probably experienced more emotions in the course of the last 2hrs than in the whole of 2016, so i comfort ate a cheese and pickle sandwich to get me through this latest assault on my endorphin supplies.

Stonehenge looking all henge-y

The drive was uneventful so, by 1pm or so, we were drawing up to the visitor centre for Stonehenge.  Dad/Loopy - you can keep me honest here but I think I (vaguely) recall that the last time I visited the Henge was as a kid, back in the days when you could still drive straight up to the monument and wander directly through the stones.  Alas, those days have long long gone.

Now, its all Visitor Centre, transfer buses and gift shops and Crazy Sal bitched about how commercial it had become (um...irony??) and how crap English Heritage was for only laying on 3 transfer buses when they knew months in advance how many visitors they would be having (he had a point there).  The lines were pretty long to wait to get on the buses, so we spent a good 20mins of our visit waiting for the bus.  As a result, Crazy Sal changed the time of our rendezvous back at the bus from 3pm to 3.10pm, giving us a bit more time.

Eventually we made it to the actual site itself and, as you would expect, there it was.  I guess one of the good things about roping off the site and keeping everyone a good 10meters or so back from the stones (other than preservation of an unique and historic site, of course) is that it actually made for some great pictures, where it looks like there's no-one else there.  As you can see from the pics, it was a beautiful - if bloody freezing day - with glorious blue skies and sunshine.

Oh, and a couple of Sock Monkeys for good measure.

Selfie-henge

After all the effort spent getting there, I only actually spent about 10mins looking at the stones before turning round and heading back for the bus.  1) it was bloody cold.  2) in all the rush getting back on the bus at Windsor, I'd mislaid my wallet so i was anxious to go back and look for it.  and 3) i needed a pee.  So I left MPTM and the Squids to it and went to join the 20min queue to head back to the visitor center.  If you are interested in learning more about Stonehenge, here's a couple of links.   The Cliff notes version: It wasn't built by the Druids, its 500yrs older than was previously thought, wood henges don't last as long as stone ones and no-one really knows why or what for.  You're welcome.  http://www.english-heritage.org.uk/visit/places/stonehenge/

Also, much to my disappointment, after spending quite some time consulting the history books, I've failed to come across any mention whatsoever of what I believe would have been a spectacular site: Cheesehenge.  Ah well.

And, much to Crazy Sal's disappointment, yet again everyone managed to make it back to the bus on time, so he didn't get to leave anyone behind on a cold, wind-swept Wiltshire moor.  I found my wallet and had time for a pee, so for once today, was feeling A-OK!

Pointy old building.  Possibly a church

And so on to Oxford.  Another 1.5hr drive so, by the time we arrived, it would already be dark.  I think in hindsight, maybe this part of the trip was just a bit too much and it might have been better to have gone straight back to London after the Henge.  But, again, at least it would showcase another beautiful city outside of London (and soon to be, Edinburgh) - I just wish we would have time to have visited Cambridge too.  So we got to Oxford around 4.30pm and Crazy Sal took us on a short walking tour around a few of the University sites.  We didn't go in anywhere plus it was already dark, so picture taking opportunities were somewhat limited, I'm afraid.  I had a vague recollection of Oxford from when I used to date someone here but I was less familar with the part of town we were in, so enjoyed seeing the Bodlean library (the UK's second largest library - established in 1602 and containing over 11 million books!) as well as some of the oldest Oxford colleges like Exeter and Brasenose.  Interestingly, we walked past a marking in the street where there had been a number of witch burnings back in the sixteenth century - so that yes, X marks the spot!

Bodlean library

Rookie move by ManpanionTM

After our brief tour, we had about an hour to get up to our own devices and wander round or head to a pub for some refreshments.  We found one just off the main thoroughfare, so wandered in and ordered a few classic pub nibbles - including scotch egg and chips with curry sauce.  The chips with curry sauce seemed to befuddle and confuse ManpanionTM and we sat and watched with increasing amusement as various disintegrating chunks of potato were dropped in the sauce pot, on his phone, in his crotch before coming to its final resting place in his pint of stout.  Nicely played, sir.  Where it lay, undisturbed until that last mouthful - by which time ManpanionTM had forgotten all about the earlier incident, so got a lovely surprise potato kiss.

And with that, it was time to thwart Crazy Sal's most preciously held dreams again, and get back on the bus for the long drive back to London.  Originally we were told it would take about 2hrs to drive back (groan), getting us in at around 8.30pm but instead it was very quick due to the roads being so quiet, so we actually got back in around 7.15pm instead.  We were all knackered so just hopped in a cab and went straight back to the hotel.  I then popped out to M&S and bought a ton of food in case people felt hungry, so later we were snacking on yummy pizzas and cheese and onion hula hoops!  I've also somehow managed to rekindle my M&S Millionaire Shortbread addiction, so can anyone supply me with some after I go back to the US?? (I'm only half joking....)

And so this almost concludes the London part of our visit.  Its crazy to think we are already more than halfway through - after all the months of planning, it just goes so quickly.  Tomorrow is going to be a very fun (packed) day again - a day of magic and travel......  Stay tuned.....

And there it is.  The infamous beer potato.
Mmmm