Turkey malarky (subtitle: thank god this week is over)

OK.  OK.  I'll admit it.  I have been known to dress-up on occasion.

So, it only seemed fitting that - on my first Thanksgiving as an American - I should mark such an auspicious event in an appropriately costumed manner (I guess it depends on your definition of the word "appropriate" I suppose, but there you have it).  

I was also in need of a bit of fun, given the trying nature of the last couple of weeks.  You know they say that "Things Come In Threes" (buses, trains, deaths, accidents - you know, cheerful stuff like that (its never winning lottery tickets, boyfriends or free chocolate, is it now?).  Well, I just had a couple of weeks where things were starting to come in multiples of threes!   Now, this blog is generally dedicated to light-hearted tomfoolery and mischief, so I wont bore you overly with the details (OK - maybe just a bit).  But suffice it to say that being greeting by several panicked phone calls and emails about a water leak in your apartment is not the ideal greeting to be met with, upon landing at JFK for a week's business trip in NYC.

Yep, some random (albeit obviously rather important) valve-type thingy on my loo upstairs knackered, cascading water throughout my apartment and wreaking all kinds of carnage.  Fortunately Anne (who's staying with me at the moment) was at home and was able to contain the damage quickly and call the HOA for the clean-up crew to come in straight away and start to mop up the mess.  Even still, its insane how much damage even a little bit of water can do.  As i write this, 2 weeks later, my wooden floors are still ripped up exposing the concrete, the skirting boards are off, kitchen cupboards taken off the walls, holes drilled in the kitchen ceiling, and light fixtures not working.  But at least my apartment is now dry again - assisted by 6 enormous blowers and dehumidifiers that were installed in my apartment for over a week! This is the scene I came home to that Friday night, after a long, hard week in NYC:

Recreating the TARDIS in my kitchen in honor
 of the Doctor Who 50th Anniversary.

Not pictured: THE IMMENSE NOISE!!

Not the most relaxing sight - or sound to behold - but I was grateful that it didnt cause more damage than it did.  It could have been far, far worse.

So, that was one thing.  The next on the shit list was that I discovered that the little lump that had been innocently chilling out behind Dylan's ear for the last 6 months had suddenly gone all yukky looking, confirming my suspicion that Something Wasn't Quite Right.  I know I talk a good game about how - as soon as anything starts to go wrong with the boys, them getting sick and costing me a fortune in vets bills that it'll be a bucket of water and a brick - but that's just b-s.  Dylan's my boy and he needed checking out, so a call to the vet to who does house calls it was, then.  He rocked up the next day, was great with him and gave him a thorough exam and took several cytology samples to send to the lab for diagnosis.  He also gave both of them a rabies vaccine and microchipped them (sensible in case of a big earthquake and they get loose - though giving them fins and snorkels would probably be more useful).  I got the results back the next day and, yes, its a mast cell tumor and "excision is recommended".  So, to add to the $645 that little visit cost me, its a trip to the Pet Hospital tomorrow to go and see Dr Watts (no, not the one from Eastenders), a surgeon who's apparently the best in the city for removing those tumors.   So, fingers crossed for poor little Dylan tomorrow - the vet will confirm the best course of action to take.  Izzie already has his eyes crossed for him.  And my checkbook already has CPR on standby for the shock it no doubt will suffer.

So if leaks and pet cancer weren't enough, my dishwasher decided to add itself to my Shitstorm Pity Party and go and break its ass on me.  I had the dishwasher engineer guy around yesterday and that will cost me around $300-400 to fix.  Awesome.  Paper plates til then, then...

And FINALLY... just after I'd got the email with Dylan's diagnosis, I opened my mail to discover two cards - one credit, one debit - from Target.  Strange, I thought.  I didn't request a credit card.  I wonder if this is some elaborate marketing ploy by those dastardly advertising types your mother always warns you about.... (Mumsie - I should have listened!)

So i called Target.  To find out that - those credit cards were real.  And that someone had stolen my social security number to open them up with.  Even more scary was that someone had also - god knows how - managed to get a blank check of mine and had linked the debit card directly to my checking account.  And upon logging into my bank account - there indeed were two debits from Target, right there.  Effing brilliant.  The final cherry on my overly abundantly iced turdcake - some douche was now running around with my SSN, my checking account was no longer secure and potentially playing all kinds of havoc with my credit rating.  

That's a mighty fine plate of food.

Cue hours spent on the phone with banks, credit card companies, the FTC, Experian.  You name it.  It is quite incredible just how disruptive having to mop this all up is - and, given I found out at 3pm the day before the Thanksgiving holiday - I did as much as I could before the long weekend but I still have to file a police report, visit the social security office to tell them and file an internet crimes compliant.  At least I went to the bank on Friday and opened a new checking account.  That means, though, that I have to re-do everything from scratch - relink my Paypal account, Ebay, Amazon, all the automated debits - basically everything you've spent the last 10 years accumulating and making your financial life easy with.  I even have to call the IRS to tell them, so some m'fer doesnt try and file for my tax return and claim my refund using my SSN.

All this came on top of a rather frustrating week at work, so its fair to say that - by Thanksgiving Thursday itself - a little light costumery was well and truly called for.  

I had the absolute pleasure of spending Thanksgiving dinner at Lori's place, with my American Mom and Pop, Cheri and Greg, and it was a fabulous evening.  The food was excellent, the company fabulous and a wonderful time was had by all.   

Greg, Anne and some very welcome bubbles!

Lori perfecting her pour...

But wait!  Who on earth was this special guest who also turned up to dinner??

Could that be - a giant Cooked Turkey??

Guess who's coming to dinner?

Why, yes.  Yes, it was.  Well - come on in, then, Mystery Giant Turkey - pull up a perch and dig on in. There's plenty to go around.

As cluck would have it, Mystery Guest Turkey was a fabulously enthusiastic cannibal and certainly enjoyed a heaping plateful of similarly cooked brethren, also not letting the absence of anything above the neck or individually movable digits from preventing the clutching (no pun intended) of a lovely glass of champagne.  At least the bubbles weren't going to go to MGT's head.

Absolutely stuffed.  Basted, not wasted.

But WAIT!  In all the excitement, Sarah seemed to have Mysteriously Disappeared.  And - was it just co-incidence that Mystery Guest Turkey's grip on its champagne flute was as vice-like as Sarah's has been known to be?

Could it be?  Really?  Slowly (really, it was quite tricky to get in and out of), the identity of our mystery dinner guest was revealed to be.....

Surprise!!

YES!  IT'S ME!!!  SURPRISE!!!!  

And so it came to pass that the Legend of The Giant Turkey of Pleasant Hill was forged and it was a night that no-one who was present shall forget easily.  Especially the neighbor's kids downstairs, one of whom is probably in therapy as we speak, the other a newly avowed vegetarian.   But, more, much more than that - it was a damn great big pile of fun and a fitting antidote to a crummy two weeks.  Happy Thanksgiving indeed - and thank God that week is over!!

A Happy Bitstripped Thanksgiving to all!!

I finally succumbed....

to the trend du jour - that of creating avatars of yourself and your friends on Bitstrip.  An app thats completely pointless and exists for the sole purpose of this self-indulgent ridiculousness.  

Then again.... an app that lets me edit my body shape, the lines on my face, my cheeks, my eyes, my hairstyle and chest size without needing an advanced Masters degree in Photoshop?  Well... that might just get interesting.....

Anyway, here's my first attempt.

I may invite some of my dearest blog friends to come join me in Bitstrip land for future adventures.

And, believe me, do I have the mother of all adventures for you coming soon......

If you're fed up with squirrels....

Here's a cute cat pic to keep you going until I post another blog entry.  

I promise normal service will be resumed soon - and it'll be well worth the wait.....

"The cat?  Nope.  Haven't seen him...."

The Results Are In.....The Winner of the Hallowe'en 5K Costume Run Crowdsourcing Challenge is......

ZOMBIE SQUIRREL!!!

Just me and my nuts

Yes, thank you Daniel and Loopy – you were right.  It would have been totally nuts to have run as anything else in the Wicked Woods! http://www.sfmaddash.com  As you can see, Zombie Squirrel came with the World’s Largest Inflatable tail that I almost gave myself a stroke with trying to blow it up, before I remembered my bike pump in the cupboard.  Durr.  The costume also came with its own nuts (steady) as well as squirrel paws, for that full-on woodland mammal look.  

The deathly pallor of Zombie Squirrel was also enhanced by the less-than-vibrant glow I had about me, as a result of having had Lori and her folks round the night before for a big dinner party.   A very good time was had by all but – as the alarm went off at 7am – my body was not happy about being dragged out of bed to go trudge round Golden Gate Park.  It was still busily digesting beef cobbler and strawberry pavlova and pinot noir.

Now, I have to say that Zombie Squirrel was a little snug around the..err… nether regions when I tried it on for the first time. I seemed to have inadvertently bought the Teenager Zombie Squirrel costume by mistake – the one where the crotch is down by your knees and you wonder how anyone can walk.  But, I thought gamely, I gotta give the crowd what they want, so I’ll figure something out.   But, with the tail fully inflated and my tummy also fully inflated, there was even less room than there had been when I’d tried it on before.
Hmm…..  This might be a very slow 5K.

Action Squirrel

And then I sat down to put on my sneakers.

“RRRIIIIIIPPPPPP!!!”

Ah.  Ok.  Right then.  Yep, as I sat on the bed and bent over to tie up my running shoes, I think a critical mass was reached, several laws of physics took effect, and the entire crotch gave out with a loud RIP!

Great.  Now I was Teenage Zombie Flasher Squirrel and, you know, that just wasn't going to be a good look for me. 

So, it is with sadness that I have to report that Zombie Squirrel was DOA for the 5K.  At least I got a couple of pictures before Crotch Gate, so you can see just how awesome I would have looked (notice I’m not wearing any shoes in the pictures!).

So, now what?

Well… as you might suspect, I had several options up my sleeve for Plan B.  I should probably be concerned by that, but there you have it.   That's just life as a Strategic Planner for you.  Always prepared.  (or maybe that's the Scouts).   Anyhoo.  Obviously Drunken Gecko was out, having succumbed to the Washing Machine of Doom after last year’s Tomato Battle.  I couldn't turn up as the traffic cone again – wearing the same costume two years in a row, dahlink?  Nevah.  I wasn't inspired by Spooky Nun (too pedestrian), so, instead, I decided to follow Lori’s lead and break into the costumes that we had bought for the next Penguins and Pyjamas…..

GO Team Tillamook!

BOOM!  Penguintastic!

Yep.  We went as penguins.

And, you know what?  Plan B turned out to be a pretty good plan after all.  It may even have qualified as a Mouse Plan.

It was a lot colder than last year, so a nice fleecy penguin suit turned out to be just the ticket, to keep your flippers warm and toasty. (actually, do penguins have flippers?).  I could actually move in it, so it was a lot easier to get round the 5K course than it would have been with a dropped squirrel crotch (hmm..not a phrase you hear often).  And – seeing as we did the whole course this year, instead of “accidentally” shaving off a mile – it took a lot longer than we remembered!  Maybe eating and drinking too much the night before isn’t the optimal way to train for a race.  Or maybe it is.   It made our penguin waddle a damn sight more authentic.  

SOOOOO jealous!!  Next year, I'm going to dress
up as the Tardis or a Dalek!!!

There didn't seem to be quite as many people as the year before, but it was still great fun and there were some very cool costumes, especially some of the kids who were sooooo cute.   They changed the order of events though after the “race” (I dont think our shuffle round really deserves that moniker!), so that the raffle (win $1000!) and costume contest (fame and glory!) wasn't scheduled to happen until after the band.   The band were very good, but very loud and played for what seemed like an eternity.  Or an hour.  Which, when you are hungover, is about the same amount of time when you are having to listen to loud rock blasting out of speakers about 20 feet from your head.   We stayed for the costume contest (I didn't win) but gave up when they announced the raffle wouldn't be for another 30 mins.  Sod that, we thought.  By that stage, the thought of going back home and having a quick nap was just too irresistible.

So, off we went, heading home and – of course – I needed to stop and to get gas on the way.  So, if you were walking past the Texaco garage at 3^rd and Folsom at around midday last Sunday – you weren’t hallucinating.  You’re OK.  There really was a hungover penguin pumping gas into a Chevy Equinox. 

Just another day in San Francisco.

Enjoy the pictures from the day!

Pre-race penguin stretching routine.  

Just a regular Sunday morning stroll in the Park in SF

The Scene.

Hmm.. 5K doesn't seem as long as I thought it would be...

I thought these guys were dressed as crayons.
Apparently not.

An approximation of how I felt the
Morning After Cobblers and Pav...

Unbelievably, some people were actually here to run! 

Not a happy flower.  Quite possibly because the child
was actually called Dahlia as well as being dressed as one.

Penguin woodland obstacle course, of course

Going, going.......

Are we there yet?

The real deal. 

Hightailing it out of there.....

And who said penguins were flightless creatures?
Piff. 

The famous Penguin Log Hop stop. 

Waddling home....

Every day, I'm shufflin'...

Another team Tillamooooook?

The crowd goes wild, dancing to the VERY LOUD BAND.

Ugh.  Not this morning, thanks.

Even penguins have to eat. 

Unicorn and adult beverage in perfect harmony.

This was actually pretty creepy.  Laffin' Sal.
Not surprisingly, this costume won the adult costume contest

Yikes.  

This guy seemed waaaay too happy just
 dancing with his two bananas

Can we hear a collective "Ahhhhh!!"?

Another ridiculously cute kid.  SSTTPOI.

Thats one determined little turtle

Xander!!!  

Hey! Take a Walk on the Wild Side!

So.....for the arachnophobes out there (and that includes me, so i'm actually typing this blog post with my eyes closed) - its time to LOOK AWAY NOW!!!

I did warn you....but you had to look anyway....

**<!!!SHRIEK!!!>***

***.....faint......thud....*****

Wait!!  WHAT THE WHA??   That's a guy with a great big fat spider on his hand!!!   And - what's more, that looks suspiciously like a tarantula to me!!  Sarah - you didn't get a Groupon for a Spider Construction Workshop, did you?  Did you learn how to make a spider?  Did you??

Fear not, fearless blogwatchers!  I had the great pleasure, this Sunday just gone, of joining about 30 other intrepid explorers for a guided tarantula hike in Mount Diablo state park.  Yep.  That's right.  Hiking.  With the sole intention of finding spiders.  I actually tried to do this hike last year but it was fully booked up weeks in advance (see? - i'm not the only crazy one around here!) as its a very well-known Thing To Do With The Kids and Relatives With Dicky Hearts at this time of year.  

Here's the link to the state park and a few more details about the hike:

http://www.mdia.org/site/tarantulas-insects/nature-tarantulas-in-mount-diablo-state-park

The hike itself is led by a number of decent docents, volunteers who work for the state park and who are absolute fountains (and we're talking big splashy multi-jet Vegas ones here) of knowledge about the park, the flora and fauna within it and Everything You Could Ever Wish to Know about tarantulas.  Before we set off, the main guide (whose name I forgot, so we'll just have to content ourselves with calling him Spider Man - heh heh) spent a good 15 minutes showing us his pet female tarantula (called something mundane like Lesley) and introducing us to these fabulous creatures.

Yes.  I did just call tarantulas fabulous creatures.

Fall is well and truly springing
in Mount Diablo....

Now, just to scene set here - I HATE spiders.  Bloody loath the multi-legged buggers.  I will scream like the girl I am when one appears out of nowhere and will not pause even for a second to reach for the nearest heavy-soled shoe or hungry-looking cat to sort it out.  I hate the way they look at you.  I hate how fast they move - usually RIGHT TOWARDS YOU.  I hate their spindly legs.  Oh so many legs.  And how they hang on with said leg-fest, sagging through the plug hole in the bathtub, when you are trying to rinse them away quickly and pretend you never saw them.  And how then you are never quite sure if you actually did manage to flush them away completely or if they are faking it, and will crawl back up through the plug hole, bent on spidery revenge.

This one evoked none of those emotions.  Instead - much to my surprise - I found myself admiring its grace, its stateliness and overall fluffy looking stroke-ability.  I think this part of the hike was to assuage everyone's spider-spotting needs, such that - if we saw bugger all on the hike - we could say "ah well, at least we got to see Spider Man's pet spider Lesley".   I learnt some interesting stuff, most of which I've already forgotten - except the key info that they really, really, really would rather NOT bite you and will only do so as a very last resort.  And - if they do bite you - its less painful than a bee sting and it doesn't last very long, but wears off after a few minutes.   The other cool thing they can do when under attack by coyotes or anything else that wants to eat them is to "flick" the hairs from its back legs which is an irritant, like itching powder, and makes the attacking animal sneeze and back off.   Fascinating stuff.

In case the static picture alone wasn't doing it for you, here's a quick video of our favorite arachnid so you can fully share the experience...

Anyway, after Spider Show and Tell was over, it was time to start the hike proper.  More scary than the prospect of thousands of wild tarantulas was the prospect of spending the next couple of hours in the company of some deeply irritating kids.  I am fully aware I'm about to sound like a grumpy old fart now, but what is it with kids who have no respect for the rules and for obeying the polite requests of the docents to stay behind them and to not stray off into the bushes?   Come on!!  Not only are there a gazillion tarantulas around, but its also prime rattlesnake country as well as poison oak everywhere.  It doesn't take much to get bitten or stung, so its not like you can just run around like its a playground and not give a shit.  Where the eff were the parents in controlling the kids?  Nowhere in sight.  Either totally oblivious or charmed by how delightfully adventurous dearest Morgan and Cameron are.  Aren't they adorable?  Actually, no.  They are complete brats.  And you can bet the parents would be the first to sue the ass off the state if their precious darlings came to a sticky end.  Deeply annoying.

Lady spider burrow

So, with my best Victor Melgrew face on, we set off.   I have to say that I was expecting an Indiana Jones-style adventure, with the dirt path literally festooned with spiders and having to step carefully over and around the multi-legged beasties.  Its mating season, so the spiders we'd be seeing were the black males - slightly smaller and spindlier than the females, who remain in their burrows for mating.  We saw plenty of the burrows - tiny things, the circular opening diameter no larger than your little fingernail - with the silk threads across the opening marking that the lady spider was In and Open for Business.  But actually real live spiders wandering freely across the path?  Not so much.

In fact, the only thing that we saw for an hour and a half was a baby rattlesnake.  Discovered - of course - by the annoying kids who run ahead of everyone else, proceeded to find the snake in the middle of the path and then follow it into the bushes!!  All I can say to that is rock on, Darwin.   You got it spot on.

Rattlesnake.  Nature's way of culling out disobedient kids.

So, after seeing precisely bugger all, Lori and I decided to call it a day and head back.  Thanking our docent, we left the group and headed back the way we came, still keeping our eyes peeling for our first spider sighting.

Nothing.

And then - just as we were coming out of the main spider zone, we passed a couple of folk who asked us if we'd seen anything.  We replied glumly "no" to which they replied "well, look over here then..." - and thats when we saw our first (and only) genuine pukka wild tarantula!!  It was a spindly little thing who definitely looked in need of a good square meal but it was fantastic!  It blended in so fantastically well, I'm not sure if I would have spotted it without some help!  So, here it is..... see if you can spot it in the pictures below!!

Take a close look......

There he is!!

Staring down the fanged beast.....

So, all in all, it was a success.  We came, we saw, we spidered.  And - for next year, we know where to come so that we can do the hike on our own, without the madding crowds.  Another one checked off the bucket list!!

It has arrived...

Costume for the Team Tillamook Wild Woods Halloween 5k run is here....

Spookiness is afoot...

Ooooh!  I'm starting to get excited already for the holiday season!  So much to look forward to - the 5K Mad Dash in the Wicked Woods, Halloween itself, Santacon, Festive Fridays and the Ugly Christmas Sweater party!   So...to get me in the mood, I decided to engage in a little light pumpkin carving this evening.  I had three pumpkins from my up, up and away girls weekend in Napa (I know, I know - I still need to write that one up for you!) ready and raring to go.  So - with the help of a rather nifty pumpkin carving kit from Safeway (its amazing the stuff you can buy in there!) - I unleashed my inner squash scribe and I have to say I think the results were quite outstanding!

Before

Emergent brilliance...

Ta-da!!!

I'm really quite impressed with myself!  I even managed to spell it correctly and to carve out the right bits!  Well done, me!  I might even try another one.

Now, I'm not sure if its the change of the seasons (in as much as they change here in SF), but I was in a distinctly domestic goddess mood today.  I think I must have been inspired by the cooking class I went to last Sunday, so off I trotted to Trader Joes to stock up on supplies and then spent a very contented couple of hours pootling about in the kitchen.  The result?  Maple whipped sweet potatoes with caramelized onions, thyme Yorkshire puddings with a couple of chicken and apple bangers.  Washed down with a very nice glass of rose Cremant de Bourgogne from Trader Joe's, it was the perfect end to a very chilled out weekend!

They are, indeed, things of beauty.

It's starting....

Bring on the festive.... I'm a-ready for ya!!

Festive Fridays, coming soon....

The Decision Has Been Made....

....and the Crowdsourced Halloween outfit has been purchased.  Watch this space to see what craziness won out in the end.....